Devin vs Fast Five

I wouldn't call myself a fan of The Fast and The Furious franchise.  I would call myself a hater of most things Paul Walker.  I'm not a big fan of cars or racing.  I also hate pretty skeletons who can't act.  I'm not a fan of trying to put in melodrama where there doesn't need to be.  

I've only seen The Fast and The Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious.  I land on the side of liking 2 Fast 2 Furious better.  It's not a great movie but I found it way more enjoyable.  So when I say Fast Five is the best movie I've seen all year, it's because I went into it not expecting much.  

Fast Five has managed to almost completely strip away the street racing aspect of the franchise and focus on the cool stuff, the heist.  The action scenes are long and amazing.  Every one seemed to last exactly as long as I wanted them to.  The final chase in concept is so brain dead that it allowed to sit back and marvel at what I was seeing on screen.  A smile was on my face the entire time.  But like any action movie, there is down time.

Paul Walker should not be allowed to talk.  I am happy to report that I don't ever remember hearing the word "bro" exit his mouth.  He's so wooden and fake, it really is like a CG character or a T1000.  He has his little monologue segment that is actually an interesting moment.  But is ruined by the fact that he is trying to say it.  Vin Diesel isn't much better.  He managed to ooze charisma when I feel like there isn't any there.  I like his character, but I really don't know why.  The Rock is the saving grace of this movie.  Even if he is the most cookie cutter character in it.  I can't believe the writer had the balls to make him utter the phrase "Stay the f*** out of my way."  (This was part of his opening scene where he tells the local cop his "two rules."  That one was rule 2).  It's so dumb that you can almost see The Rock winking at the screen.  Tyrese was a favorite of mine from 2 Fast (it less of a "step forward cause you are awesome" and more of a "well, everbody else step back cause you suck" type of thing).  And in Fast Five he's not really a character.  Again he's the wise cracking black guy who says funny stuff ... because he doesn't really have any other talents.  Luda is also there, as the funny guy, but he has a purpose because not only is he a mechanic, but he is an electronics expert (commence eye-rolling).  The Asian guy, who I never met because I never saw the third one, is Han.  I'll call him Han because I don't know the actors name.  He's likable and probably the "coolest" character in that he actually seems like he's not trying to be cool.  He's the Michael Weston to everybody else's attempt at being James Bond.  Jordana Brewster returns to look pretty, but mostly do nothing.  They have a plot point for her that is so useless I don't even know why they added it.  Nobody watches this movie for the drama.  The other chick, I don't know who she is.  She's so freaking skinny that it is actually kind of gross when SHE decideds to bust out in a bikini.  Really her??  If she tripped she would break into a million pieces.  She's supposed to be good at something, but all she does is try to be the "hot" one.  And for some reason she has the power that the guy from Psych has.  Only she uses it once for the most pointless thing ever.  She uses it to impress a guy who is already in love with her.  She doesn't even do anything cool for the heist.  There is also a rookie cop who is also a hot chick.  She might be the hottest woman in the film, but again it's because the other women aren't.  All she does is look confused.  I'm not sure I saw her ever translate anything (the reason she is chosen), though she does end up having other uses.  I almost forgot about the Spanish brothers.  Best guys in the movie.  Glad they exist because they are actually funny.

The story isn't horrible.  The set up is okay, the team is brought together to do a heist job.  But I feel like nobody was ever taught how a good heist story works.  You don't spend a good 30 minutes trying to solve a problem that has the dumbest solution ever (so dumb that the useless guy figures out the solution).  But the BEST part, they don't even use it.  It's like a training montage for Rocky and then in the end Drago gets two in the head by the ghost of Apollo Creed.  I tend to ignore moments that make no sense from a physics stand point because the whole franchise is based of the concept that a 10 second race lasts 5 minutes.  But there are dramatic plot points that make 0 sense.  They land in the "this would be a cool thing to see," but doing the easy thing would have accomplished more. (Honestly entire plot is like that, but we won't worry about that...unless it's SPOILER TALK).

Fast Five is a really good movie.  I'd watch it again.  I'd own it.  

SPOILER TALK:

• Reyes has his entire network of money on a chip.  We know he knows where his money is.  So he doesn't NEED the information.  He just needs it not to be in the wrong hands.  So someone could have just stolen the monitor from the car.  That way they wouldn't need drivers, no white people and everybody goes home happy.  OR he could have just moved the damn money.  You know, picked 10 new houses to place it.  I'm pretty sure they have more than 10 buildings in Rio.  I'm pretty sure I saw at least 30. 
• Jordana Brewster getting pregnant was stupid and had 0 point.  All it does is handcuff them for any more movies.
• I still don't understand why they spent so much time on trying to race past the cameras.  Really?
• And just leaving 8-10 million on a table in Rio.  Really guys?  Maybe they could have sent her a check.  How long before she is dead?
• Why burn the money?  If you would ahve stolen it, he STILL would have been pissed.
• I'm not really going to make fun of all the tech stuff, because it's a movie and they set their own rules.  But you shouldn't break the rules once that happens.  Like why was The Rock able to pick up Vin Diesel's car the second time he goes to the street race but not the first?